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| a most technermological chap Were the man who invented the tap turn right and it's on left and it's gone so simple you don't need a map | One's hiccups are quite an affliction And to cure them is quite an addiction I've had them all day, but they won't go away and they're really affecting my diction. |
| There once was a man in a suit Who considered that life was a hoot He awarded some prizes And wore some disguises To serenade girls on his lute | My space hopper is a great toy I've had it since I was a boy It's orange and round and bounced on the ground And its taste is improved with some Soy. |
| Julie Andrews was riding her bike Instead of a saddle, a spike Her Favourite Thing was wrapped in a sling and now she sings like Dick Van Dyke |
My favourite snack is Beef Ring Which should become a brand new Thing It might seem quite heinous to eat something veinous just recently cleaned by wi-ping. |
| young andy, who came from hurst park Decided to seek Noah's Ark He checked in the pond Found Harry's best wand And turned himself into a shark | A one legged pirate named Mary had a Chest that was awfully hairy now, a pirate's chest's great full of pieces of eight, But Mary's is just downright scary |
| There was a young priest from the Vatican who said "I can do that, that I can" Even stood on one leg On his nose, a great peg a gymnastic mat and a Watney can. | a fish-catching angler named shaw was happy despite being poor he would use up his time talking in rhyme Catching halibut as an encore |
| There was a fat friar named Tuck Whose saxomastraw wouldn't suck It filled up with spittle and got very brittle so instead, on his lute, he did pluck | Tonight is the night for the Thingies Every bell in the town to go ring is We can't hardly wait! So stay up late And get drunk with the greatest of eeee-ease. *ahem* |
| A Conor from Amerikaland maintained weight was to do with a gland He ate nought but burgers And cheese from Limburg, as His waistline began to expand | It's Henrys Thirst birthday today So hoorah and harroo and hooray! Get him a card and an aston mart (in) But cake makes for bad tooth decay. |
| The was a young singer called Sting, Who entered the limerick thing Sadly (for he) The last line, you see, Didn't quite have the right ring! | There once was a man from Alfriston whose spectacles always had mist on He installed windscreen wipers And also car visors So finally he could get to Prest-on |
| A well-endowed man from Nantucket Augmented his pants with a bucket He zipped up his flies nearly up to his eyes it's the way he decided to tuck it. | A middle-aged slapper called Bunty Met a rotund man called Humpty She gave him a snog He turned into a frog And now he feels a right Numpty. |
| There once was a lady called Frank Who worked through the week at a bank At the weekend She tried to look butch, failed, and cried So she shaved off her beard for a prank | There was a young man with the flu Who had heard 'twas a cure to eat poo But his horrible sneezes caused large fecal breezes And he looked like a Martian named Schmoo. |
| I know a lady called Doris She oft goes out with a Dutchman called Boris She's a medium of course And she uses the Force To contact a spirit named Horace | Il y avait un jeune homme de Paris Qui voulait allez a une soirée ca mére a dit 'NON' Mais son pere dit "C'est bon!" Aucun il est tranny appelé Clarice. |
| The law in east kurdistan States that "You must if you can" "If you can't then you should" If you shouldn't, surely you could, but do if there isn't a ban. | Twenty-four parrots from Guam Once said "Hello Ma'am" The girl they addressed Stood up straight and confessed I'm back off to my farm |
| A felonious oik name of Dwayne Said "Henceforth I'll always refrain From showing my bum To my friends and my Mum And picking my nose on the train | A silly old Zebra called Hugh Had most of his stripes painted blue He became pretty annoyed And blamed Tommy Boyd For his new inexplicable hue |
| The weather in Leicester is grey Even greyer than yesterday So I'll paint the town red And then when I'm dead They'll think of me every day. | Said a man with a lisp and a stutter: "P-p-pleath p-p-path me thome butter" "Thome b-b-bread too" "b-b-b-ut not on m-m-my thoe" or else they w-will th-think I'm a n-nutter |
| I was teaching my whippet to sing I started with "God Save the King" He sang in tune And howled at the moon He was so good I renamed him Bing. | Whilst making up swear words in Finnish My vocab is beginning to diminish I can no longer curse While holding my purse So I'll say "nuts to that" and speak British |
| There was a young man from east Hainault Who enlisted one night in a gay cult He met up with a priest They had a huge feast And Rosemary's baby was the result | A charming young lady from Wickham Had some ferrets but nowhere to stick 'em So her boyfriend came round And lent her 10 pound For a cage so that no one would nick 'em. |
| there was a young busker from Penge Who played his guitar at Stonehenge He was crushed when they fell It smarted like hell So he smashed up the rocks in revenge. | There once was an island called Easter Where chocolate eggs are a feast, Sir Chocolate bunnies make poo So do I, so do you but we ain't going to eat it for din-ner |
| My boyfriend is from Tuvalu Where they keep trousers in their canoe it's ok in the spring, but winter does bring Monkeys that poo in your shoe. | A lazy young man from Harwich Fancied an Australian marriage He courted a Sheila who charged him to feel her For goods and for package and carriage. |
| A sturdy canoeist named Ned Who really wanted some head Went over the falls Lost one of his balls So he packed up and went back to bed |
There was a young Martian named Schmoo Whose head shrunk as the rest of him grew His growth rate was inverted His cat was perverted And his dog was a little weird too |
| A young man once showed a projection On the side of his building erection It was gone half past nine When he turned on the sign to advertise sugar confection. | These rhymes are getting really quite thin Just like the digestives left in my tin There's sixty we've done This makes sixty one But they're all only fit for the bin |
| Whilst sitting, last night, in my box A strange smell came from my socks "Gorgonzola or Brie?" "Cheddar?, Caerphilly?" No, 'twas nowt but scandinavian lox | An astronomer called Patrick Moore Played his xylophone til he was sore He stared at Uranus And read Coriolanus Scratched his bum and said "Aint life a bore?" |
| Young Kouros was sent to his corner Nobody could be more forlorner In his lycra he dressed And in it he messed Decorating the flora and fauna | There once was a wombat who bounced And his mate called camp Patrick who flounced Together they went Away in a tent And after dark, 'twas Patrick who pounced! |
| There once was a gerbil called Martin, Who just could not stop farting Each particular whiff Needed a sniff By popular singer D. Parton | SimonG made a limerick game Supposed to bring fortune and fame But it proved quite addictive And somewhat restrictive And our hands it did mame |
| A baby called Dominic's ear drove a pram that was stuck in 1st gear With a worrying rattle That drowned out his prattle after quaffing a bottle of beer | I wonder what's cooking for tea Something yummy just for me I hope that it's not Horrid lentil splot It's the vilest thing you'll ever see! |
| They say true love, it never dies Especially if you love pies nor lives, indeed, nor eats pies who did eat all the pies? Simon did: no suprise. | I once met a man from oop North Who thpoke with an accthent of courth He mated his Whippet 'Til a judge made him snip it And the polith had to do it by forth |
| A travelling snail passed through Greece Looking for a flat with a cheap lease He strummed his bazuki in his efforts at nookie but was chased away by the police | a redundant, tortologous phrase Is something too often seen these days Too often it's seen In Harpers & Queen Isn't grammar a difficult maze? |
| A small little fish called Wanda Met a 419 scammer who conned 'er and despite being small she got no share at all So she fed him to her bet Anaconda | Oi wance met an ole boy vrom devon Oi met im at arf parst eleven Ee zat orn 'is tracter 'is wife, it attacked 'er and chased 'er until arf parst zevern |
| A dog that got stuck up a tree Fell foul when he need to pee He went out on a limb he cocked his left leg and got stung on the nuts by a bee. | There was a young man named Derek Who fancied himself as a cleric He would sit down to pray that, in the course of the day He wouldn't become an hysteric |
| But what do you expect from a failure If he goes all the way to Australia He's bound to get lost because he is sloshed But what do you expect from a failure | There was a young man fron Australia When he met ya was sure to regale ya He loved to drink beer With a straw though his ear As a hunk he was rather a failure |
| A disgruntled young mouse with no knees Found it very hard to find some cheese Since he couldn't bend down As he wandered round town but standing up straight was a breeze | An old general who served at the Somme Escaped from the blast of a bomb He ran away like a girl Puttees all of a twirl They never found out where he'd gone |
| Busty Sue was thrilled to bits When she found her new bra really fits It wasn't too tight It fitted just right As a bomb shelter during the Blitz | Some Thingers went for a walk in the woods Taking with them some edible goods They ate all the cake But what a mistake - It put them in tempestuous moods. |
| A fellow who lived with a spoon Wanted to fly to the moon He built his own rocket But failed to lock it So he hopes he will get it back soon |
An aardvark who lived in the jungle Found his toes had become rather fungal between them he found twenty five pound and a photo of zippy and bungle |
| When the moon rose up over the Hill Jack walked up along with Jill When they got to the top Jack just had to stop And remain remarkably still. | There was a young lady called Kerry Who was rather fond of some sherry not just by the glass But by bucket and cask it made her decidedly merry. |
| A cork-hatted Aussie from Sydney Decided to donate a kidney He removed it himself Put it on his shelf then fried it for breakfast didn't he | i once met a lady called brenda who wanted a man to defend her She hired a clown, who kept fooling around, cos' he had a different agenda this made her frown, and feel quite down, 'cos even Ms. Greer couldn't mend her. He leered up and down at the front of her gown, contemplating the Brenda pudenda. |
| There was a young lady from Kent who decided to live in a tent It got rather leaky which made her feel peaky And gave her a quite noisome scent | And made a backwards limerick! and moistened his plums He rubbed on his gums Whose teeth made a terrible 'click' There once was a fellow called Dick |
| There once were a bunch of people who couldn't write a limerick that scanned SimonG's site was subsequently panned but they all had a go the words started to flow It still didn't scan so was burried in sand. | The strangest thing about the Queen is The way she takes a whizz she lifts up her dress and makes such a mess It's because of her malformed penis |
| Young Sarah was once caught looking At a recipe while she was cooking The ingredients listed some pasta shapes (twisted) and australian lard with a chook in | An old man bit into an orange It was in the form of a lozenge It was the colour of silver And donated by Sylvia who worked in the Ministry Of Housinge |
| An old man once lost his spectacles They turned up on his testicles They helped him to see While having a pee And polishing his octopi tentacles | A poor begger out of luck Was feeling a bit of a schmuck He decided to go and buy a new hoe Then discovered his doorknob was stuck |
| An orangutan known as JG Got a huge great big bite from a flea Which caused her to scratch And got a boil to match And nothing else really rhymes with JG | There once was a bottle of cider Which housed a ruddy great spider It got bloody drunk And slept with a skunk An experience previously denied 'er |
| There was an old man named Willy whose dog was exceedingly silly It lay on its back It's neck it would crack While eating a piece of Caerphilly | A man who was famed by a Donkey Of two legs he had, one was wonky he had a bad limp And was considered a whimp and in harlem he got called a honky |
| There once was a lady from Ealing Whose piercings were only just healing She said "Oi that hurts!" "It's much bigger than Bert's" As they scraped her off of the ceiling. | There once was a mad bloke named Simon Had a milkshake and it was a lime one It tasted so yummy And was good for your tummy And great for the eyes, so no light on. |
| You can't beat a good lentil splot (Assuming it's lovely and hot) Or cold with some jelly But not in a welly Else, soon to the toilet you'll trot | There was an old juggler called Stu Who would juggle chuhahas on cue When the tiny dogs screamed of silence he dreamed I'd pay money for that, wouldn't you? |
| there was a young lady called trout Who suffered from most painful gout She was in so much pain Which was caused, in the main by a clout on the head from a lout | there was a young lass called mort's mom Handled her diction with quite some aplomb She could speak very quick she developed a tic and now works for st-stutter.com |
| a gun-toting chap called scottJ often ate lemon parfait it tasted so good he thought that he would Hold a parfait soiree on Tuesday | there is a rum thing that's called 'thinging' Which has set our fair nation a-ringing If you want to join in It's easy to begin just think of a subject that's minging |
| One day Mort went looking for cake though she knew it was a mistake There was some in the fridge It was stuck in a ridge So she settled instead for a Flake | As KeRa relaxed in his chair He cuddled his favourite teddy bear The bear came to life and ran off with his wife (She yearned for some teddy bear care) |
| There was a young Simon of G who got his hat caught in a tree He climbed up the trunk And found there a monk A dirty habit I think you'll agree | The smile on the face of young Marc Could frighten the dogs in the park they chased him around In a way most profound so he said "sod this for a lark" |
| A clever young girl called miss_sixty Sits down in a field and picks tea Her bottom gets wet so she went to the vet Saying "a tap on the bum will quite fix me" | There was a young chap called el tent Who bungee'd a speedy descent The elastic, it stretched and the spectators retched Now everyone calls him el dent |
| A jolly jelly feller named Goodway Passed through villages but never would stay visited many a pub But here is the nub: he never would go there on tuesday | There once was a sailor named Merman who kept a pet beetle called herman It lived in a box And ate lime green socks And drove round in tanks 'cos he's German |
| there was a young man called lordhutton whose suit had many a button With a waistcoat so snug And a face like a slug and now he picks litter in sutton | A once was a boy called Billy A twice made this line sound quite silly A third is absurd he lifted his leg And threw himself over a filly |
| The was a hairy hero called Henry Hong Kong Phooey's real name was Penry They both had an urge And forth they did surge Together they were called Penry FitzHenry | There was a young chap called Omally Who was always a little doo-lally (sp) There was an old sea-dog called Merman Who everyone thought was a German But he wasn't |