Speculation regarding a picture of me posted on a very strange forum* led to the discovery that I’m the number one result if you do a google image search for mildly surprised. To my mind, this is a great honour - after all, how many other people can say that? None, that’s how many. The all-knowing power of Google has rated me the epitome of mild surprisedness, and who am I to argue? I don’t do arguing, mate, I do mild surprise.

I feel I should make the most of this opportunity, so I’ve decided to hold a seminar entitled Looking Mildly Surprised For Dummies. It will cost £50 a head, with concessions for anyone with three or more heads, which is easy money for me because I don’t intend to actually turn up. I’ll arrange beforehand for my place at the front of the class to be occupied by a stuffed barn own sellotaped to a cucumber.

If that doesn’t leave them looking mildly surprised, they can have their money back.

*No, it doesn’t make much sense to me either