Orifices
What follows is really very unpleasant. I strongly advise that you don’t, in fact, read it. Especially if you’re eating.
I must also stress that it’s a complete work of fiction, and not, for instance, what happened to me today. It is absolutely and utterly not true.
So there’s this chap - a fictional character who I’ve made up for the purpose of this fictional story - let’s call him Smion. Whether he’d contracted a virus, or eaten something he shouldn’t have, is unknown to your humble chronicler; but for one reason or another, he wasn’t very well. He got out of bed, feeling a little queasy, and promptly threw up down the toilet. This presented him with a dilemma: should he go to work today or not?
Deciding that he’d thrown up all he was going to throw up, and otherwise feeling pretty healthy, he resolved, somewhat unwisely, to chance it. Having um-ed and ah-ed for so long that it was too late to walk to work, as would be his normal procedure, he got in the car, drove in, and parked. He then got out of the vehicle and began to walk from the car park to the building in which he works.
It was as he was proceeding in this manner that he had a bit of an accident. You’re probably thinking that he threw up again. You’re almost right, only this time a different orifice was involved.
At this point I must stress once again that this story is not about me.
What the hell was he going to do now? How to get out of this situation without being utterly humiliated? He limped into the nearest toilet, locked the door, and cleaned himself up as best he could. Much gagging was involved, but the job got done, leaving in its wake a toilet full of toilet paper that took an awful lot of convincing to flush away, and a smelly pair of trousers.
Clearly, spending the rest of the day at work was out of the question. For one thing, there was the smell. For another, who knew if there would be further incidents? But Smion didn’t fancy recounting the story of his accident to his bosses, and it occurred to him that a little white lie would make the whole sorry episode very much more palatable - the official version of events, he decided, was that all emissions had spewed from the oral cavity.
So he went and told his boss what had happened, with this one slight modification, got sent home, and now feels very much better. Thus ends my completely fictional story which is not true at all.
Comments
| you, ahem, HE should have just said that you, ahem, that bloke, had shit his pants. |
| Eww, thank you Smion, for sharing that with us. You should have stayed and hung around your boss all day…it would have put an end to any future bedroom-sharing experiences… Comment by Paul G0TLG — July 29, 2004 at 7:58 AM |
| Are nappies made for the chunky 27-year old? Comment by JG — July 29, 2004 at 8:15 AM |
| As long as Smion remembered to wash his trousers straight away, I’m sure he will be fine. If, however he leaves them in washing machine (unwashed) to fester, I fear that a worse illness may result. Comment by Miss Sixty — July 29, 2004 at 8:16 AM |
| I seem to recall you sporting a rather suitable item of appareil last Friday. Maybe you could lend this to Smion. Comment by Omally — July 29, 2004 at 8:27 AM |
| You haven’t been on a cruise ship lately have you? Comment by Kerry — July 29, 2004 at 9:17 AM |
| Oh for god’s sake *uncontrollable giggling*. I bet your car smells too. Comment by Lordhutton — July 29, 2004 at 9:34 AM |
| Chucking up out of both ends, aka gastroenteritis, is horrible, but a bloody good way to start a diet…can you catch it via blogg comments? Comment by Jenny — July 29, 2004 at 11:06 AM |
| Jenny, |
| Hello me! Oh I know (in the voice of Sybil Fawlty), I was speaking from experience. My best ever “diet” was when I had my wisdom teeth out & had to survive on mash & gravy for a month. I ended up being told to eat full fat ice cream, to keep the weight ON!! Those were the days… Comment by Jenny — July 29, 2004 at 1:17 PM |
| Poor Simon … not you, the fictional one. While I must stress that nothing like that has happened to me, a friend of mine of the same approximate height, build, and driver’s license number might have experienced such an accident. One good cough under the right conditions and … yes, well. I’ll bet the water on the cruise ship did it to you … another good argument for not drinking water. Look at it this way, Californians pay lots of hard-earned money for high colonic purges … you got cleaned out for free! :) Comment by ScottJ — July 29, 2004 at 3:21 PM |
| Better out than in, my mum used to say! |
| There’s something about this I don’t quite get. Surely, when Smion went to see his boss, his boss would have been able to smell his soiled trousers and would have been able to deduce precisely what had happened? I’m sure Smion made some attempt at cleaning them but, well, it’s not an easy pong to disguise, is it? I’m sure Smion made his exit as quickly as possible, but even so. Unless Smion went to see his boss minus his trousers, of course, but then that would set tongues a-wagging. Particularly if the two of them had just come back from a cruise, say. Comment by Matt — July 29, 2004 at 10:52 PM |
| My hysterical laughter has subsided long enough to write a comment now. Had it been me (and I came close on a train once, but being a train it had a toilet) I would have gone home and phoned in sick from there. I certainly would not have been prancing round the office in shit soaked trousers (and pants) for even a microsecond. Comment by jeremyp — July 29, 2004 at 11:37 PM |
| Oh and another thing. Does Smion realise that whenever somebody says “I can’t come in I’ve been throwing up", the rest of the office immediately translates that to “I can’t leave the toilet without cacking my pants"? Comment by jeremyp — July 29, 2004 at 11:43 PM |
| Oh I know (in the voice of Sybil Fawlty), I was speaking from experience. My best ever ¡°diet¡± was when I had my wisdom teeth out & had to survive on mash & gravy for a month. I ended up being told to eat full fat ice cream, to keep the weight ON!! Those were the days Comment by ̨Íå»úƱ — January 8, 2008 at 7:35 AM |