It’s time for the latest vital update on my life.

The big news is we’re getting a chinchilla! Since the dog thing didn’t work out because of Jess’s allergies, she’s decided something that’s smaller and lives in a cage is less likely to make her head explode. We met him yesterday, and he seems a decent sort of chap. Now we just need to think of a name.

We’re not going to get him for a couple of weeks because a) we’re still waiting for his cage to be built, and b) we’re going to London for a few days in May so might as well hold off until our return to avoid the need of getting someone to come in and feed him. Which reminds me - anyone in London on the 5th/6th May who would like nothing more than the pleasure of my company? I’ll be at a bit of a loose end while Jess is on a course, so if anyone fancies meeting up that would fill the time nicely. No? Ah well, worth a try.

…When I said the chinchilla thing was ‘the big news’ I actually meant it’s the only news, unless I were to tell you the amusing tale of how Jess spent all last week panicking about her exams this week, only to discover when she went in for the first of them that the Easter holiday’s longer than she thought and they’re not until next week, but she’d probably tell me off, so I’ll keep quiet about that. Which means I have nothing else so say, so I’ll sink once more into silence. But I’ll still be here. Watching. Always watching. Oh yes.

Let me tell you what’s been occurring.

Last week was spent in Leeds doing the Ben 10 mural. I spent most of the week up a ladder, or at least it felt that way. There was a tiny little bit on the ceiling which was absolute agony, and it was nowhere near as complicated as the Creation of Adam. I don’t know how Michelangelo managed it.

I’d show you some pictures but I forgot to take my camera so I’ve only got rubbish phone ones. I’ll get some the next time I visit.

I was supposed to be getting back to proper work yesterday, but I decided to let myself have a bank holiday. I was absolutely definitely supposed to be getting back to work today, and I tried, I really did. But I was the exact opposite of being in the mood, and nothing was getting done, so in the end I gave up. Meanwhile Jess was trying to revise, but not feeling much more motivated than I was, so I figured if my own attempts to be productive have failed abysmally I can at least devote my time to providing an incentive that might make hers more successful. To that end I proposed a deal whereby she did lots of revision and I made her the scrummiest dinner she’s ever had.

So I had a bit of a search on t’internet for recipes, and settled on by far the most elaborate cookery undertaking I’ve ever undertook. To wit:

STARTER: Stuffed peppers (I sort of combined this recipe and this one)

Obviously that lot is far beyond my limited cooking skills, but I thought I’d have a go at it anyway. And now you’re expecting me to tell you all the ways it went catastrophically wrong, but actually it all went perfectly and was very yummy. There was one catastrophe, but it wasn’t a cooking one. It was, however, possibly the worst catastrophe you can imagine.

Months and months ago Jess got me a present of a little keyring with a piggy on it. What she didn’t realise was that it wasn’t just a keyring - it was a keyring with a detachable bit in exactly the shape of a pound coin, for putting in trolleys when you’re short of that particular denomination of currency. I’ve used it ever since. I love my little piggy.

So prior to commencing my cooking marathon, I went to Asda for ingredients. They had everything I needed except fresh parsley, so once I was done I drove to Sainsbury’s over the road. But as soon as I got to the Sainsbury’s car park, I realised to my horror that when I’d returned my trolley at Asda, I’d forgotten to plug it in and retrieve my piggy! I turned the car around and headed back across the road in the hope that it was still there.

Tragically it was not. Someone had nicked my trolley, and with it my piggy! Now I’ll never see him again, and whenever I want a trolley I’ll have to fish around in my wallet for a pound coin. And if I haven’t got one, WHAT THEN?

I loved my little piggy. I even gave him a name, though I can’t remember what it was now. And now some nasty piggy thief has got him. I bet they’re sitting at home looking at him now, cackling their evil cackle.

Poor little piggy.

Hello! I keep meaning to blog but then other things come up and it never happens. Let’s see if I finish it this time.

We’re in Leeds this week, doing the last of the murals for my nephews, unless the unborn baby wants one, but it hasn’t expressed any such desire so far. They’re at CenterParcs all week, so we’ve got the house to ourselves, which makes our job a whole lot easier than when there are small children around who want to ‘help’.

This one’s Ben 10, and it’s a lot easier than Fireman Sam or Transformers. We’ll be finished in no time.

About a trillion other things have happened since I last did a proper blog. My favourite cat in the whole world died, we got new carpets fitted in our house (with no major side effects apart from our bedroom door no longer shutting), and we’ve joined a gym (I know that wasn’t a trillion things. I’m just giving you the highlights). I’d lately been doing thirty minutes of jogging every day on Wii Fit, so I thought the running machines would be a cinch, but my goodness I was mistaken. It turns out that running quite fast on an inclined treadmill is considerably harder than jogging on the spot in front of the telly. I stopped after ten minutes because one of my lungs had exploded and I didn’t want the other one to follow.

It remains to be seen quite how often we’ll go - we’ve only had one proper session since our induction, and now we’re in Leeds for a week. But when we get home I’ll start updating the lardometer again and you can be amazed by how rapidly the little blue man moves/stands still (delete as appropriate). My target this time is to not be a great big flabby ball of lardy flab by the time we have our holiday in Sardinia (did I mention we’re having a holiday in Sardinia? We’re having a holiday in Sardinia).

I just heard a beep, which I think means my dinner’s ready, so I’m off for now. Bye!