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July 30, 2010With 24 minutes to spareRight. I will not let all of July go by without blogging. But my goodness I'm cutting it fine. Jess went to Europe, and I intended to catch up with lots of chums while she was away to prevent me going mad, but then I got too busy and it didn't ...December 29, 2009I haven’t done one of these for yearsI've never seen you looking so freakish with your withered arms, I've never seen such hairy palms. I've never seen so many men ask "Have you escaped from a zoo? "Are there surgeons that you're planning to sue? I would if I were you." And I never knew that adult diapers Could be bought that ...June 9, 2009Pigeons and babies and chinchillasA behavioural psychologist, Skinner Made pigeons do tricks for their dinner. The pigeons that could Got three courses and pud, And the pigeons that couldn't, got thinner. Me, with my nephew in 2002: Me, with my nephew last week: I think he's got some kind of growth problem. Either that or, more likely, I now have YET ...February 18, 2009PlagiarismI'm rather fond of the Katie Melua song If You Were a Sailboat. You know the one - If you were a cowboy, I would trail you / If you were a piece of wood, I’d nail you to the floor / If you were a sailboat, I would sail ...August 3, 2008One downThere once was a full bodied lass Who inflated with helium gas Both her breasts for a dare - Now they're lighter than air, Which you'd never have guessed from their mass. Yeah, okay, it's not one of my best. But more importantly, hello! I've been meaning to do this for aaages, but it's so ...January 4, 2008Exclusive! Secret Christmassy Things revealed! Read all about it!We'll be heading back to York at the weekend, at which point I might start blogging slightly more regularly again - for now I'm stealing a few minutes of Internet time at Jess's mum's house while Jess fights her brothers to the death, or at least their spectacular defeat, at ...August 14, 2007Analyse thisSeveral years ago, I was minding my own business when suddenly my brain went whiiirrrrr and the following poem popped out: I don't know what the fuss is, Cooking's easy if you try. Just take two octopusses And you've got an octopi. Some time later, I was putting together a little website called simong.org, and ...December 5, 2005A lovely songEvery so often my brain invents lyrics to songs that don't exist. Now, whenever I post anything like this, people always read far too much into it and - if my suspicions are correct - draw pie charts to illustrate what they consider to be my present psychological state, so ...October 29, 2005Collaboration is funYou know, if everyone else has got as much of a partially written musical about the life of Galileo floating about in their head as I have, and I have no reason to think they haven't, it strikes me that by pooling resources we've probably got enough to put on ...October 13, 2005The princess who thought she wasn’t beautifulPrincess Matilda was rightfully viewed As the prettiest girl in the land. When she found herself in the appropriate mood She'd climb into her carriage, all lavender-hued, And parade through the streets where congestion ensued As the vehicle was swarmed by the commoners who'd Left their homes before dawn and devotedly queued To be first in the ...September 27, 2005I have nothingTonight, my mind is of the blankness. Fascinating tales with which to regale you are there none. I suppose I could share with you the limerick I made up a couple of weeks ago while I was wandering round on a farm waiting to go for a ride in a hot ...August 24, 2005Jimmy McWhirlitzer and the pirate space monkeysIf you get out of bed in the night and you creep Down the stairs while your mum and your dad are asleep And sneak into the garden and look at the sky You might just see some pirate space monkeys go by. Pirate space monkeys are easy to spot - They have hooks where ...July 27, 2005Prolonged workificationWell, my boss finally turned up yesterday, so we could phone the QM2. Hurrah! Except everyone who might have its phone number had gone home. Boo! So I had to come back in today, when all the people likely to have it were here again. Hurrah! Except none of them ...June 29, 2005Some limericks I’ve written over the years which have never appeared on this site before, except a few of them in the chatroom and one in my blog but hidden away in the comments, ending with one that will make no sense to the majority of youThere was a young lady from York Who found herself turned on by pork Some meat she inserted - She found that it hurted And wished that she'd not used a fork. A gymnastic young girl from DC Did the splits to an awesome degree. She splitted so wide You could see her inside, And tell what she'd had ...March 20, 2005The dittopotamusSeveral months ago I started writing a little pome, which I keep meaning to finish but I never seem to get round to it. Rather than leaving it to rot indefinitely, here's what I've writ so far. I might do the rest at some point but I wouldn't hold your ...December 19, 2004I rather enjoyed thatI've alluded recently to a little project I've been working on. I've finished it now. Anyone know any good publishers?December 12, 2004Compulsive behaviour continuedNotting Hill was on telly this evening. Just as thoughts of the film Beyond the Sea recently reminded me of the alternative lyrics my brain had composed for Mack the Knife, so Notting Hill has stirred the memory of that organ's furtling with the film's opening song, She. My fondness for ...November 28, 2004Joan of Arc babeI keep driving under motorway bridges on which has been sprayed by graffiti artists - and in that phrase the word 'artist' is surely stretched more even than Elastagirl in hit movie The Incredibles - who, incidentally, would be doing the community a much greater service if they used their ...November 20, 2004I *will* regret thisWhoops, I appear to have inadvertently pulled an all nighter. This is probably a bad idea, because I have a busy weekend ahead of me which involves a lot of driving and probably not much sleep, but there we are. Specifically, I'm going to Stu and Sarah's tonight for their housewarming ...November 7, 2004Nappy daysI'm coming to you tonight from the ancestral pile in Leicesecesestershire, where I'm staying with my parents for the weekend. I came via a fairly circuitous route, stopping as I did in Surrey (probably - I don't do geography) where I changed my first nappy, which was terribly exciting. Well, ...October 21, 2004In this uncertain lightWhoopsadaisy, it's two o'clock in the morning on a school night, and I was so engrossed in what I was doing that I haven't blogged yet. My bed is waiting, so I'm terribly afraid that the best I can do is palm you off with another poem. I've been doing ...October 20, 2004On poetryThe observant amongst you will have noticed that I wrote a poem the other day. The even more observant will have spotted that it was actual proper poetry, the sort of thing Robbie Burns used to write when he fancied a break from ganging agley, the kind of poetry that ...October 16, 2004The barrier reefDoes your life ever seem like it's made out of bone? Of the corpses of hopes that have withered and died? All the people you've been and the people you've known, Dead courage; dead feelings; dead passion; dead pride? The bad things you've buried, the good things you've lost; The friendships you value the most ...September 29, 2004Are you sitting comfortably?I wrote this at least ten years ago, probably more. It's a bit rubbish, and somewhat experimental, but I can't think of anything to blog about, so tough. A long time ago in a land far away Was an isle in the sun with a nylon thin fray; Just one puzzle for which ...September 7, 2004Mission abortedSometimes I try to be too clever for my own good. "I know what would be a good premise for a poem," I thought to myself. "I could write about a chap who pinches letters from computer keyboards, and after the bit where he steals each letter it's never used again. ...August 25, 2004A hastily bashed out poem coz I couldn’t think of anything to blog aboutThere once was a lovely caterpill', He lived among the nettles. He liked the taste of chlorophyll And loved the yummy petals. His mum and dad were butterflies - When asked if he was jealous, "Of course I'm not! That's utter lies!" Is what he'd always tell us. But truth be told he longed to take His first trip ...August 6, 2004The ballad of the Guatemalan undertakerOops - I sat down to write my blog but I accidentally wrote a poem instead. It isn't even very good. Just north of Guatemala just before the first world war Was an undertaker's parlour with a little wooden door. The undertaker Goffle had been sad for most his life For he'd never met ...July 27, 2004Cop out blog entry number 287It's a bit late to blog. Can I fob you off with a limerick? There was a young lady from Chad (Though good grace wasn't something she had, And to call her a youth 's not entirely the truth, But one out of three isn't bad.) I never said it was going to be a good ...June 30, 2004The Unhappy HiccupThere once was a girl who was not very old And she hadn't slept well for her bed was too cold So she yawned a great yawn till the floor touched her chin, And while she was yawning, a hiccup popped in. She sat down to breakfast and picked up her spoon. "Good morning my ...June 5, 2004There’s probably a moral to itThere once was a boy who felt lonely and sad With nary a toy nor a friend to be had. He'd no one to love him and no one to care, No sun up above him but merely the air. So he sat by himself and looked up at the sky And he said to ...April 3, 2004Some folk dream of the donkeys they’ll doWhen we decided to create ShopDonkey, our first job was to start up a business. To allow for future ventures we wanted a generic name, so we called it The OriginalDonkey Limited on the grounds that, whatever else we might decide to do at a later date, there were bound ...March 30, 2004Happy farmersOh dear, I'm getting worse at this blogging lark - it's two o'clock in the morning on a school night and I've only just started. Except, of course, that it's really only one o'clock in the morning, but we had to put the clocks forward to keep the farmers happy ...March 25, 2004It’s a cop out. Tough.I have absolutely nothing to write about today, and I fancy an early night*, so you can make do with a limerick wot I wrote in the chat room a while back. Apologies to Me who was there at the time and will thus feel deprived of a blog entry. There ...February 11, 2004Rhyme timeI imagine it probably shows, but today I've spent god only knows how much time writing verse: now like some sort of curse, I can't quite bring myself to write prose. Since the limerick thingy's begun, I'll admit that I've had lots of fun. Someone said in the chat that I ...November 7, 2003Rubbish nightIt's rubbish night tonight. By which I mean that the bin men come in the morning, not that the evening has lacked in entertainment value. Having forgotten to put my rubbish out for the last two months or so, I frantically went round the house tonight gathering it all into several ...August 22, 2003The fantastic Mr FoxI look weird Without a beard. But I was scarier When I was hairier. Mr Fox was in my garden again this morning. We went through exactly the same routine as we went through yesterday, with him leaping from the foliage and scrambling over the fence as I approached. I quickly opened the garage ... |