From time to time the urge to compose poetry creeps across me, and occasionally one of my efforts is actually quite good. Here are some of the least bad ones.

God Theology, anyone?

I'll Always Remember Poetry is the medium of romance. With that in mind, I wrote this one about a man beating his wife to death.

An Ode, Poem, Rhyme, Verse, Lyric, Sonnet, Eclogue, Dithyramb, Lay, or Roundelay, to Roget Long title, long poem. An ode to the man without whom none of these works could have been written. But remember: to err is human, to forgive divine.

A.M.Heath As if this marvellous poetry wasn't enough, I have also written several novels in my spare time. They are, as yet, unpublished, despite having been sent off to various publishers and agents. Their rejection letters are usually polite (if insincere); A.M.Heath bucked the trend, inspiring me to write this work of genius.

Candle in the Wind: Stardate 45076.3 Elton John's written versions for Marilyn Monroe and Lady Di, but seems to have missed Captain Kirk, so I had to do it for him.

Nothing Rhymes With Orange I was out of ideas, okay?

We Apologize for the Delay I wrote this one on a train which hadn't moved for about an hour, owing to 'floods in London'. Apparently there was quite bad flooding in London that day, but I didn't believe a word of it at the time and expressed my sentiments in verse.

Polytetrafluoroethylene When I heard of polytetrafluoroethylene, I didn't know what it was, but it seemed like a good subject for a poem. Turns out it's just a posh name for Teflon.

Away in a Manger (Atheist version) I love Christmas and I love carols, but there are very few us atheists can sing without feeling like we're canvassing for the opposition. Try going carol singing with this one and see what happens. My dad was telling a friend of his who works in local radio about my poems, and his friend, who was supposed to do something about Christmas on the radio but didn't know what, asked if I'd written any on that subject. My dad gave him a copy of this one, and he said he'd have to check with his boss that it wouldn't be too offensive to use. Apparently his boss only had to read the first three lines before telling him there was no way he was reading it on air! If he thought it was bad up to that point, he should have read the second verse...

Tonight's the Night This one needs a bit of explaining. I used to live in Leicestershire, where there is a shopping precinct called Fosse Park, the highlight of which is a Sainsbury's that stays open all night on Fridays. My family had a tradition of going every week at about midnight. My dad's friend also took away a copy of this one, which he did read on air. It just so happened that the manager (or something) of the Fosse Park Sainsbury's was a guest on the program, and asked if they could print in in the Sainsbury's magazine!

Parodies Well, maybe not parodies exactly. Things to the tune of other things, then.

Shorts Random musings.

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